If you smoke, I’m sure that you’ll have heard all about the health implications, you will know all about the expense involved, and no doubt you’ve noticed that when you laugh it sounds a bit like a dosser coughing.
But heres something you probably don’t realise about your habit. It actually makes you proper stink. I’m not talking about a vague whiff of unpleasantness that can be waved away and easily ignored. I’m saying you smell worse than an infected decaying toe nail. So now you should give up smoking.
With expert help from a mind altering tablet I have just successfully given up smoking after 20 years of doing it. Like you, I had the misguided belief that smoking made me look hard. I’m now the worst kind of person that a smoker can possibly meet, I’m an ex-smoker. I have come to realise that smokers are vile, smelly dirty beings. So I want them to read this, and give up like me.
Forget patches, inhalators, gum, electronic ciggies and cold turkey methods. I have found out about the easy way to give up smoking and now I want to spread the word. I have always been pretty good at giving up smoking, I used to do it all the time. But my missus has been a bit lame at giving up and normally only lasts for an hour and half before she’d rip her patches off, spit her nicotine gum out and feverishly light 2 cigarettes at once. She really loved her cigs, but even she has managed to kick the habit.
So you want to know about this miracle way to give up smoking don’t you? The NHS smoking cessation service lets you have a drug called Champix. Its available on prescription and it makes you stop smoking. All you do is take the tablet twice a day and it releases a chemical into your mind and it tells the part of your mind that wants cigarettes that it is being silly. Seriously. This is the truth.
Champix does have certain side effects, one of them is death. But that’s the worst one. The other side effects are much more bearable, such as increased appetite, feeling randy and having weird nightmares where spaghetti people try to suck your eyes out. There is also a bit of a nausea problem in the morning, being made to feel a bit sick for 5 or 10 minutes but eating something normally sorts that out. Without doubt, the worst side effect that both myself and my missus suffered from throughout the 12 week programme was the flatulence. Oh sweet mother of Jesus, the house smelled like a Victorian sewer. It was so bad that it taught me that the word “fart” is woefully inadequate. “Have you farted?” just doesn’t make the grade. It was more appropriate to ask “Have you secreted the decomposing flesh of one thousand corpses?” It got so serious at one point that I considered bludgeoning my wife to death in the night, as another one of her bum bombs wafted uninvited up my nose, and woke me up. This house had some dirty, dirty gas smells the likes of which I hope you never have to accidentally inhale.
But, apart from the farting, and the other side effects, you basically take this drug for 12 weeks and after a couple of weeks your brain is tricked into not wanting a cigarette anymore. I was advised to just carry on smoking and I’ll know when the drug is starting to take effect. And oh boy, it was a strange feeling when I realised that it works. I was having a cigarette and it made me feel sick, in that I actually heaved and started gagging on the smoke. And that kept happening until I stopped about 5 minutes later when I tried another cig.
So now, I’ve been off the cigarettes for 4 months and I’ve been off the Champix tablets for about a month and I can honestly say that the thought of smoking just isn’t on my mind. But more miraculous than this, my missus hasn’t smoked since either and she doesn’t crave a cigarette either. Its over, smoking is no longer a part of our lives and it’s a brilliant feeling. So I hope you have enjoyed my account of giving up smoking with Champix. This really is an absolutely incredible drug and if you have ever tried to give up and failed, then you must give it a go.
I hope that my blog today has inspired you to go and ask your smoking clinic for Champix tablets. But it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t tell you that it doesn’t work for everybody. Some folk get violently ill on them, banging headaches, projectile vomit and you can even get suicidal and depressed on them. But, if you realise that you are having a bad reaction to them, you can stop taking them immediately. Good luck!